FRUSTRATION!!!!!!
I have been putting off this post for awhile now. But I am VERY FRUSTRATED! (This post is long, and full of a lot of honesty. No negative comments please I may punch you in the nose).
First with being pregnant. For those of you that are close to us, you know that for a LONG time Cam and I said we were done having kids. Until I got my baby fever. I explain what happened with all that here. Then about a week after I found out I was expecting, my excitement, want of another baby, you name it... was gone. Replaced by puking. Then puking was replaced by hard core depression. I sat on the couch for the whole month on January watching Gilmore Girls. The house was a mess, dinner got made sometimes when I felt bad enough to do it. Laundry got done when we ran out of under wear, but never got put away. It was terrible. I felt like I should've been able to snap out of it, but I couldn't. I cried a lot. I felt bad for my family and anyone that was kind enough to ask "So how are things going"? Then I finally came out of that and the Migraines started (while still fighting off depression). This is where you find me. Fighting migraines and depression. The baby is going through a growth spurt which is also causing my hips to separate. Misery.
While all of this is going on I can't help but think "WHY, oh WHY! Am I doing this again??? Willingly??" I keep praying that the reason I am having this baby will be revealed to me. But I have a bad feeling I wont find out for a few years. I can't help but think we were just getting out of the baby phase with Logan, starting to be able to do things again. Carters finally showing some progress and I get pregnant!! Sigh. Im trying, but not dealing well. People laugh at me when I say I KNOW this is my last. "Thats what you said last time". Well then I guess you are in my head and know EXACTLY how I feel! Yes, you are God.
Second, with Carters aid. We have been waiting for almost a YEAR to get someone in here and help Carter out. Im so angry about how its all gone down. Also disapointed. You hear so many GREAT things about the in home help. Just to have it FAIL. Here is an email I wrote to a friend who has worked in this field, and I feel she has first hand knowledge. Unlike most people who only know what I tell them.
I would like your opinion. I'm really sorry, I think I may unload on you but I'm so frustrated and I trust your opinion.
So Carters aid.... is not going as well as I had hoped. When she first started she was great. Very nice and attentive. After the first week, I think she started getting comfortable, and letting go. I actually started making a list of things that have been upsetting me because I am horrible at direct confrontation. I know a couple of these things I may be nit picking on, but I want your opinion either way.
-she hasn't started goals with Carter, and it has been three weeks. Yesterday before she left she asked me if I had any other therapist suggestions on what to do with them because she has no idea. Or If I had any ideas.
-When Carter doesn't want to play with something and wanders away she told me again, she doesn't know what to do with him.
- I think she is coming to much. I was told at first that he could do 6 hours, but when the aide started coming she told me it had to be 7 1/2. (Is she just wanting the hours for money)?
- Shes doing things with him that are too old. Ex: "Carter what is that behind you, can you find whats behind you." and "Carter can you find the yak? Step on the yak". Carter has then mentality of a two year old and is JUST learning his letters.
- She pushes him to much. Causes tantrums.
-She doesn't follow his lead, if he is playing his own little way, she doesn't join in and use as 'therapy'. Instead she pushes him to come back to whatever she is playing with, and i mean PUSHES.
-She shows up early constantly. I HATE this
- She seems tired by the time she gets here. She does four children each day. She even told me the PM is hard. Which I get. But is this affecting how you treat my child?
-Her first week here she told me shes trying to have a baby... this shouldn't bug me but it does. We waited almost a year to get someone in here!!
-She uses sound FX to get his attention. going "Wooo" Instead of saying "Look"
-She calls him "Mister" Rather then his name
-She doesnt give him a chance to respond. She'll say she wants the "blue toy" and say "blue" over and over and over.
- Not sensitive to his sensory needs. I dont think she has ANY training with special needs children. Has no idea about sensory issues.
-When I need to put carter into time out she interferes.
-She seems to forgot that she is in someones house. Doesnt ask permission. Goes through my games cupboard, blowing bubble with out making sure its ok first.
So I realize that with these things I was nit picking. I went into yesterdays activities with her, with an open mind. I was in the kitchen working on somethings, they were in the living room. So I could hear everything. Carter was obviously hoarding whatever they were playing with. She was telling him to share. Getting meaner and meaner about it. Then she started saying "Nice boys share carter, nice boys share". This stopped for a minute, and then Carter wanted something SHE had. She responded with "No this is MINE, and Im not going to share. Im going to be stubborn like you and not share. NICE BOYS SHARE"! I stood up out of my chair to kick her out I was so mad! But then I started to wonder if I was over reacting. So I finished whatever I was doing and went in there to sit with them. They were playing with a new toy and having fun which was good. After awhile Carter started just making a mess and throwing the toy. In our house this is a no no. If you dont play with the toy right, we put it away and find a new toy to play with. So the aid started trying to get him to pass her all off the green toys (again, above Carters level). He ignored her and continued making a mess. She had started cleaning up the toy and I started telling Carter that he needed to stop or were putting the toy away. We do not throw toys or make a mess. While I was talking to him she started talking over me saying "Carter, pass me the GREEN toy. Carter, Listen to ME. Pass me the green toy." I gave up because it was going to be to much for him to listen to. Well then he saw the pile of toys in her hand that she had been cleaning up and he tried to take them. She responded with "No, Im not giving you these toys because YOU didnt give me the greens one like I asked".
So I guess what I want is to know if Im over reacting. I tend to when it comes to Carter. The aids supervisor is coming for a follow up meeting tomorrow and I dont want to talk to her about things that are meaningless. What do you think?
Tomorrow I meet with the aids supervisor and I will pass everything on to her. So well see what happens.
Anyways, Im done. I am at the point where I want to shut the world out. Fire everyone, turn off every influence from the outside world and just be with my little family. Enjoy my sanity before the breast feeding starts, midnight feedings start, and I do it all over again.... trying to act happy but most likely suffering from postpartum that I will try to hide because that is just what I do. Sometimes I would give anything to have a close friend... I feel very lonely lately.
First with being pregnant. For those of you that are close to us, you know that for a LONG time Cam and I said we were done having kids. Until I got my baby fever. I explain what happened with all that here. Then about a week after I found out I was expecting, my excitement, want of another baby, you name it... was gone. Replaced by puking. Then puking was replaced by hard core depression. I sat on the couch for the whole month on January watching Gilmore Girls. The house was a mess, dinner got made sometimes when I felt bad enough to do it. Laundry got done when we ran out of under wear, but never got put away. It was terrible. I felt like I should've been able to snap out of it, but I couldn't. I cried a lot. I felt bad for my family and anyone that was kind enough to ask "So how are things going"? Then I finally came out of that and the Migraines started (while still fighting off depression). This is where you find me. Fighting migraines and depression. The baby is going through a growth spurt which is also causing my hips to separate. Misery.
While all of this is going on I can't help but think "WHY, oh WHY! Am I doing this again??? Willingly??" I keep praying that the reason I am having this baby will be revealed to me. But I have a bad feeling I wont find out for a few years. I can't help but think we were just getting out of the baby phase with Logan, starting to be able to do things again. Carters finally showing some progress and I get pregnant!! Sigh. Im trying, but not dealing well. People laugh at me when I say I KNOW this is my last. "Thats what you said last time". Well then I guess you are in my head and know EXACTLY how I feel! Yes, you are God.
Second, with Carters aid. We have been waiting for almost a YEAR to get someone in here and help Carter out. Im so angry about how its all gone down. Also disapointed. You hear so many GREAT things about the in home help. Just to have it FAIL. Here is an email I wrote to a friend who has worked in this field, and I feel she has first hand knowledge. Unlike most people who only know what I tell them.
I would like your opinion. I'm really sorry, I think I may unload on you but I'm so frustrated and I trust your opinion.
So Carters aid.... is not going as well as I had hoped. When she first started she was great. Very nice and attentive. After the first week, I think she started getting comfortable, and letting go. I actually started making a list of things that have been upsetting me because I am horrible at direct confrontation. I know a couple of these things I may be nit picking on, but I want your opinion either way.
-she hasn't started goals with Carter, and it has been three weeks. Yesterday before she left she asked me if I had any other therapist suggestions on what to do with them because she has no idea. Or If I had any ideas.
-When Carter doesn't want to play with something and wanders away she told me again, she doesn't know what to do with him.
- I think she is coming to much. I was told at first that he could do 6 hours, but when the aide started coming she told me it had to be 7 1/2. (Is she just wanting the hours for money)?
- Shes doing things with him that are too old. Ex: "Carter what is that behind you, can you find whats behind you." and "Carter can you find the yak? Step on the yak". Carter has then mentality of a two year old and is JUST learning his letters.
- She pushes him to much. Causes tantrums.
-She doesn't follow his lead, if he is playing his own little way, she doesn't join in and use as 'therapy'. Instead she pushes him to come back to whatever she is playing with, and i mean PUSHES.
-She shows up early constantly. I HATE this
- She seems tired by the time she gets here. She does four children each day. She even told me the PM is hard. Which I get. But is this affecting how you treat my child?
-Her first week here she told me shes trying to have a baby... this shouldn't bug me but it does. We waited almost a year to get someone in here!!
-She uses sound FX to get his attention. going "Wooo" Instead of saying "Look"
-She calls him "Mister" Rather then his name
-She doesnt give him a chance to respond. She'll say she wants the "blue toy" and say "blue" over and over and over.
- Not sensitive to his sensory needs. I dont think she has ANY training with special needs children. Has no idea about sensory issues.
-When I need to put carter into time out she interferes.
-She seems to forgot that she is in someones house. Doesnt ask permission. Goes through my games cupboard, blowing bubble with out making sure its ok first.
So I realize that with these things I was nit picking. I went into yesterdays activities with her, with an open mind. I was in the kitchen working on somethings, they were in the living room. So I could hear everything. Carter was obviously hoarding whatever they were playing with. She was telling him to share. Getting meaner and meaner about it. Then she started saying "Nice boys share carter, nice boys share". This stopped for a minute, and then Carter wanted something SHE had. She responded with "No this is MINE, and Im not going to share. Im going to be stubborn like you and not share. NICE BOYS SHARE"! I stood up out of my chair to kick her out I was so mad! But then I started to wonder if I was over reacting. So I finished whatever I was doing and went in there to sit with them. They were playing with a new toy and having fun which was good. After awhile Carter started just making a mess and throwing the toy. In our house this is a no no. If you dont play with the toy right, we put it away and find a new toy to play with. So the aid started trying to get him to pass her all off the green toys (again, above Carters level). He ignored her and continued making a mess. She had started cleaning up the toy and I started telling Carter that he needed to stop or were putting the toy away. We do not throw toys or make a mess. While I was talking to him she started talking over me saying "Carter, pass me the GREEN toy. Carter, Listen to ME. Pass me the green toy." I gave up because it was going to be to much for him to listen to. Well then he saw the pile of toys in her hand that she had been cleaning up and he tried to take them. She responded with "No, Im not giving you these toys because YOU didnt give me the greens one like I asked".
So I guess what I want is to know if Im over reacting. I tend to when it comes to Carter. The aids supervisor is coming for a follow up meeting tomorrow and I dont want to talk to her about things that are meaningless. What do you think?
Tomorrow I meet with the aids supervisor and I will pass everything on to her. So well see what happens.
Anyways, Im done. I am at the point where I want to shut the world out. Fire everyone, turn off every influence from the outside world and just be with my little family. Enjoy my sanity before the breast feeding starts, midnight feedings start, and I do it all over again.... trying to act happy but most likely suffering from postpartum that I will try to hide because that is just what I do. Sometimes I would give anything to have a close friend... I feel very lonely lately.
Comments