Blogging it because I cannot talk about it.

Cam and I have told people more then once, "Carter is suspect Autism Spectrum Disorder". But after so many months of waiting, and having a specialist sit you down and say

 "After observing you son, we firmly believe that he has Autism".  

I now realize that I was not prepared to deal with the fact that Carter has Autisum. 

I was, and still am, Devastated. 

After the specialist told us of her conclusions she then asked , "Now after hearing that, how are you feeling? Are ok? Do you have questions? Can I help?" Honestly I thought I was fine. "We knew this was coming" I said. "I'm fine". Cams answer was the same. After she said "Yes, but sometimes having it confirmed makes it sink in, and you don't react how you thought you would".

She was right. As soon as she said that I looked deeper and I knew I was ready to burst into tears. I wanted her out of my house and NOW. I knew Cam was dealing with his own feelings, so I held it in most of the night. Cam went to bed and I called my sister and cried for two hours....

Now the reason for my title. I CANT TALK ABOUT THIS. I cant. I burst into tears and usually start sobbing. Its not pretty. I decided that I can type about it with no issues of tears though, and I want people to be aware of what has happened. So when I avoid questions about Carter you understand why. I am dealing with this right now. 

He is still my loving boy. And I love him SO MUCH! Maybe even more. But I need time to deal with it. Its been a week and I am doing better....

SO with all this being said I know that there are a few who may be upset by this news like me, so I will tell you all what I know. 

This is NOT his OFFICIAL diagnoses. This may be confusing. But the only person who can diagnose him is a pediatrician. These are the people that assess him and send their findings to the pediatrician . They will recommend a diagnoses of Autism to the pediatrician  and the pediatrician will take it from there. BUT, they are always right. They want to start getting him funding from the GOV right away and thats why they are telling us this now, to get started with funding. They said his team leader (over all the assessment team) wants to have everything that will help him (funding/aids/more therapy) up and going and done by September. 

Also they want an aid in the home five days a week. I was confused by this, as he already attends school for therapy five days a week which I feel is A LOT. They explained to me that the school is curriculum based and the aid would give him therapy with his every day home needs and give me some much needed help at home. (Maybe he will get potty trained!!!!)

They also mentioned taking him out of Renfrew for his school year 2001/2012. Again, I wonder "why"? Renfrew is a General Disabilities school. In other words they specialize in EVERYTHING. There is a school here in Deer Run (very close to home) that specialized in working with Autistic children so they recommended putting him there instead. I was kind of annoyed just because this was the school I almost put him into but didn't. 

On a positive note: Queensland ward has been very open to the idea of assigning someone to help Carter while we attend classes which is HUGE! Church has been VERY VERY VERY HARD! I cannot emphasis that more! We have had a TERRIBLE time with him over the last two years and its been hard on us. There is a 17 yr old girl that actually wants to specialize in working with children with special needs and it is sounding like she will take him for sunday school and Cam and I will alternate Sundays for the last class. She went to Nursery with him last sunday and that is the first time I have gone to all my classes in almost 2 yrs! Well see what happens there. 

Anyways that is all I really know right now. When we figure out more I will keep everyone up to date.